My Avoidance Cycle

In all honesty, I don’t follow the tools I discuss in this journal perfectly. I get stuck every day. I have my own traps that I slip into. As a natural problem-solver, I like to find the fix as fast as possible. As we’ve talked about, this method often ends up backfiring because the quickest way to get rid of internal discomfort is also the most efficient way to bring it back around. It’s such a vicious cycle, but it seems the most logical. 

I’ll give you a specific example. I mentioned my experience with imposter syndrome in the first journal. Guess what… I still deal with it. Here’s how my avoidance process goes: 

1. As I write my journal, discomfort starts when I become confused or frustrated about its contents.

2. I shame myself for being confused and frustrated, which ignites the mindset of being an imposter, a fraud.

3. I want to get rid of the shame and internal suffering quickly, so I push the journal away and take an action that does not move me towards my values. (But the quick relief feels great)

4. I push off writing for a day or until the following week, while I constantly nag myself to write (Procrastination)

5. I feel shame, confusion, and frustration when I try to write again. Yep, still suffering…

This is one cycle in its simplest form. The cycle isn’t always linear, either, meaning other thoughts and feelings can show up to start a cycle within the cycle. 

The Weighted Coin

So why isn’t acceptance a natural tool I use in my process when internal friction occurs? Well, because my mind likes to tell me lies, and I’m readily open to believing them. Giving in to the urge of relief overpowers my openness to sit with the discomfort, take it for what it is, and be willing to allow the feelings to be while I take action towards my values. Action in the direction of my values would be writing the journal anyway, even though it’s momentarily uncomfortable.

It’s important to see both sides of the coin because human choice is not going to make the decision to take valued action 100% of the time. The primary goal of cultivating self-awareness and understanding how to facilitate values-based action is to increase our chances, not to be perfect. 

So we know both directions we can move in response to our internal sensations, and we know the rationale behind each choice, but there is still an argument that can be made against acceptance. I’ve fallen into the trap because it seems logical, especially to athletes or performers who are competitive and value hard work and grit. Talking about acceptance begs the question: Isn’t acceptance just laziness, mediocrity, and basically showing that you don’t care?

The Trap

Does acceptance produce laziness? No, but it makes sense why that connection would be made. 

Let’s say a pickleball player keeps making mistakes by hitting dinks into the net. They tell themselves that they should start playing it safe and that they are embarrassing themselves. They become timid and second-guess their shots. That’s not acceptance in the sense that I explain it to athletes. That’s submitting to an outcome. That’s giving up and giving in to laziness.

Acceptance is about willingness. The willingness to keep trying even though today is not your day. It’s being willing to notice your internal struggle and stay in motion while not feeling great. Acceptance takes more effort than avoidance. Avoidance is the easy way out that leads to more struggle, while the willingness to coexist with pain and intentionally take action anyway is extremely challenging.

Trying to fix your internal state and wait until you “feel good” so that you can perform well is submitting to what your mind tells you needs to happen. You don’t have to listen to your mind. Understanding that you are still capable of performing well even though you don’t “feel good” and doing it anyway is the definition of resilience. 

The Alternative Motion: Acceptance = Resiliency

Every coach and athlete wants resiliency. Everyone is able to define what resiliency is, but the process of developing it isn’t so clear. We don’t need to change who we are to face adversity and come out on top. What we can change is the relationship between our physical selves and our minds. Resilience is allowing our physical selves to continue moving even though our mind is yelling at us to stop. We can allow that process because we know that we are not our thoughts, and we have the autonomy to choose how our thoughts impact our actions.

Let’s go back to the pickleball example while integrating acceptance and resiliency. The player has internal chatter that their mind is giving them. The chatter is begging them to play it safe and wait until they feel right before they can try and perform their best. The player has the choice of how to respond to the chatter. They acknowledge what their mind is trying to say, and they accept the thoughts for what they are. Even though their mind tells them to play it safe, the player can let their mind talk while committing to the action of hitting aggressive dinks. They can still play aggressively even if their mind says they can’t.

What if you don’t get the outcome you want?

If you’re anything like me, you’re probably thinking, ”What if the player keeps missing dinks even though they defused from their thoughts, accepted their internal state, and continued to play aggressively?”

That’s a valid question. The psychological processes that I’ve talked about in this journal don’t guarantee a successful outcome. As I said before, the goal is to increase our odds, not to be perfect. Fall in love with the process. If an athlete executes their mental process and doesn’t achieve the outcome they wanted, that’s okay. The process is more important than the outcome. Putting all of your eggs in the basket of success (whatever that means for you) is a dangerous game to play and is another vicious cycle you can fall into. At the end of the day, did you move in the direction of your values?

Thanks for being here.

-SPB

P.S. — My 1-on-1 coaching is built on this exact philosophy - we get to learn from one another. If this post resonated with you and you're curious about how these ideas could apply to your own life or performance, you can learn about my services or schedule a free 15-minute call.