The Highlight Reel of Embarrassment

Have you ever made a mistake in a game or practice, and that mistake stayed in your mind for the rest of the day? Not fun. The highlight reel of embarrassment plays again and again in your mind, and the things you say to yourself probably aren’t statements you would say to another person.

When does it end?

I think every person is different in how they handle mistakes or difficult thoughts in general. You see some people seemingly bounce right back after a mishap, and others just don’t look or act the way they were before the moment happened.

The Trap of Fusion

Thoughts are tricky. They can play games with us in our minds and convince us that they are us. However, thoughts are NOT us. Thoughts are just thoughts, nothing more. You are not your thoughts.

When we become our thoughts, we become fused to our thoughts. When we separate from our thoughts, we become defused from our thoughts.

In competition, we want awareness of ourselves and our surroundings, but there is a fine line. Too much focus on our internal processes leads to fusion. Fusion is often described in other ways, such as too much chatter going on in the mind, getting in your own way, or choking.

Research on Explicit Monitoring Theory (e.g., Beilock & Carr, 2001) shows that choking happens when our focus shifts from the external game (the ball, the hoop) to a narrow-internal focus (our thoughts, our mechanics). We start trying to "fix" our minds, and the snowball just keeps getting bigger.

The Alternative Motion: Defusion

The alternative is defusion, the opposite of fusion. Instead of attaching to a thought we have, we simply tell ourselves that we are noticing a thought we are having.

Here’s how this would look in a performance setting:

A basketball player is preparing to shoot a free throw when he has the thought, “I can’t miss this.”

• Fusion Reaction: "I have to stop thinking about missing! Think positive!" (Internal fight -> Tension).

• Defusion Reaction: “I’m noticing I’m having a thought about missing the free throw.”

This simple action makes room for the thought instead of trying to get rid of it. Why is it beneficial to make space? Freedom in your mind facilitates performance. Space allows you to move on from the thought and refocus your attention on your external reality—on the rim, the weight of the ball, or your follow-through.

Another method of using defusion is giving the thought physical qualities or actions. For example, mentally taking the thought and putting it in your pocket. This allows you to carry the thought with you without it dragging you down mentally. Athletes have a choice on how much weight or importance they give to each thought.

Wait… But when I notice the thought I’m having and create space from it, isn’t that making myself do more work mentally and creating a more narrow-internal focus that will make the “snowball” grow bigger?

I think this is an important and challenging question. Here’s my take: Yes, thinking about your thoughts undoubtedly turns your focus inward. The key difference is that the skill of separating yourself from your thoughts gives you the option of pivoting your focus back out (externally) on the task that you are currently performing. With practice, just like a physical skill, the skill of defusion can become as quick a process as your environment requires.

I’m probably making this skill sound easier than it is. I have personal experience where a “snowball” of frustration grows from trying to use defusion when difficult thoughts arise in a competitive setting. It’s so easy to fall into the fixing trap by trying to force space and make our minds free up so we can fulfill our ideal performance. The more we try, the harder we push, and the louder we yell at ourselves internally, usually, the farther away our desired mindset is from us. We lose sight of what’s right in front of our faces.

Hard Work, Not Magic

For me, understanding that thoughts are just thoughts—and not facts in themselves—gave me a new level of clarity. However, it’s not easy to understand.

It takes critical thinking to conceptualize what thoughts are for yourself, which is a process to do when you aren’t performing. It takes effort, even if you are sitting on the couch daydreaming while watching TV. Applying the concept of defusion to real-life performance scenarios is hard work and takes practicing self-awareness.

However, the payoff is worth it: The flexibility of your mind can enable you to stay focused on the game while internal processes flow efficiently, minimizing performance disruptions.

Learning and applying mental skills in a way that benefits performance is unique to each person. There isn’t a certain way that you have to practice, think about, or implement mental skills. But there is a way to practice that gives you freedom. The misconception that there is one right way to train the mind is a detrimental foundation for psychological flexibility to build from.

Next time you catch yourself fused, don't fight. Notice. Sit with it. Pocket the thought. And make your move. A move to the present moment, which is the focus of the next journal.

Thanks for learning with me.

-SPB

P.S. — My 1-on-1 coaching is built on this exact philosophy - we get to learn from one another. If this post resonated with you and you're curious about how these ideas could apply to your own life or performance, you can learn about my services or schedule a free 15-minute call.

References

Beilock, S. L., & Carr, T. H. (2001). On the fragility of skilled performance: What governs choking under pressure? Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 130(4), 701–725. https://doi.org/10.1037/0096-3445.130.4.701